Paid subscribers received an email last week requesting your addresses for the Mail Club. And only 12 of 40 responded!! If you want to get these Writing For Fakers goodies in the mail, please complete the form by January 10th. If you can’t find the email, hit me up and I’ll send you the link to the form.

If you’re planning to upgrade to paid to be included in the Mail Club trial, that’s the same deadline for y’all too. Thanks!!

Hi Writers!

Yesterday was my birthday! 41 feels like one of those nothing ages like 11, 19 and 34. You have the hype and life-changing insights of turning 40 and then here comes 41 a year later and it’s like, “Welp. Yeah. More of this 40-something life. Yeah. Okay.” It doesn’t really build on the narrative is what I’m trying to say.

Last night before bed, after I was already up past my usual bedtime — hey, it was my birthday! — I remembered that I’d wanted to rewatch the birth chart reading I’d gotten last year for my 40th. It was my first time having my natal chart done and as an astrology girlie (Capricorns love the occult, y’all!), it was a revelation.

Although, I drifted off to sleep less than 30-minutes in, much of what the conjure woman was saying still felt like startling new information, reminding me that the most important lessons must be revisited more than once for us to take them to heart.

So my apologies to 41, let me welcome you with the proper gravitas 🥳

It’s cool these days to despise “New Year, New Me” energy, but I still enjoy getting swept up in it, even if it fades before February arrives. It’s one way to put a little pep in your step during the frigid, gray days of January. In that spirit, today’s newsletter is about three self-help books that made me a better writer.

— Minda

Self-help is a divisive genre. Either you’re someone who abhors it and believes every book in the category to be some repulsive concoction of corny and cheesy. Or your life and its insights are fueled by it. I believe I lie somewhere in the middle. I have a healthy respect for the genre, but know a book can only do so much.

Self-help is my fave kind of book to listen to on audio because it’s basically like listening to several episodes of a trusted podcast back-to-back (Please don’t ever ask me about my “Super Soul Sunday” era). And if it’s subject matter you’re bashful about, you don’t need to worry about somebody coming across it on your physical book shelf.

After polishing off my most recent self-help read, I began thinking about how — especially as a nonfiction writer and someone who regularly teaches my students, “Anything can be a craft essay!” — self-help books have actually improved my writing as much as any craft book I’ve read.

What holds you back in life will hold you back in your writing.

Today, I’m sharing three self-help books that have helped me on my journey — both in life and craft.

I dismissed this book when it was first published. I learned a while ago that the answer to the question, “Are you mad at me?” is most likely “No.” But then I saw a friend share it on Threads and decided to check it out from the library.

This book might be marketed toward women who spend a lot of time wondering if all their friends hate them, but the audience is much broader. Meg Josephson takes us on deep dive into the fawn response.

You’re probably familiar with fight or flight and maybe even freeze as a bodily reaction to the fear of danger. Well, fawn also belongs in that family. It’s the most recently identified of the bunch, which is probably why you may have never heard of it. It’s a bit more complicated than the explanation I’m giving you, but it’s basically your use of flattery to get out of an uncomfortable situation.

Josephson says that sometimes fawn is necessary like when it comes to appeasing your tyrant boss so you can keep your job. But if you grew up in a volatile context, you might be wielding fawn more often than you actually need to.

She gives readers tools for assessing the actual level of threat and teaches you how to behave authentically, even when it’s uncomfortable.

How this helps you as writer: A couple years ago I taught a “Stop People Pleasing on the Page” workshop. It’s easy to get in your head about how others might feel about what you’re writing or what people might think about you. So we hold back. Or we’re indirect about what we have to say. Or worse, we don’t write at all. Learning to withstand the discomfort of the displeasure of others will help you become better at writing your truth.

This book was so compelling, I spent a good chunk of a Puerto Rico trip cooped up in my Airbnb to read it. You think this is going to be a book that lectures you about how you need to give up perfectionism in order to live a better life, but Schafler points out the ways society needs perfectionists to thrive (and how when men are perfectionists they’re celebrated…).

She presents research that shows that perfectionism is a personality trait. Like you can’t stop being one anymore than you can stop being someone who’s organized. But with any personality, there are beneficial traits and maladaptive traits. Schafler shows you how to manage those maladaptive traits. She begins with a little quiz that helps you determine what flavor perfectionist you are, and then you’re off and running with the advice!

This perspective was so freeing. I didn’t need to try to become a completely different person, but I also didn’t to be entirely beholden to this aspect of my identity either. Schafler had so many bars in this book, I’ve practically underlined at least one thing on every page.

How this helps you as writer: So much of this newsletter has been me publicly trying out different things and figuring out what works. And while I’ve found some success, that means there were also plenty of flops along the way (and more to come!). But thanks to reading this book, I was able to shift from focusing on the outcome to focusing on the process and understanding that the trial and error just part of it — no need to be ashamed of not getting it right right out the gate. That’s unrealistic and will keep you from ever attempting — and achieving! — anything at all.

The same goes for your writing. When you come to terms with your first drafts not being award-winning writing, you can settle in and enjoy the progress you make on your writing project after each round of revisions.

It is no exaggeration to say this book changed my life. If you’ve ever been trapped in a toxic dynamic with a beloved family member, this book will change your life too. Gibson forces you to see the situation for what it is, convinces you that you deserve emotional stability and security and gives you options for how you’d like to proceed in a relationship with someone unable to offer you either (the answer is not always estrangement, but no-contact is on the table).

A side benefit of this book slowly becoming a bestseller is that more people are talking about estrangement, which means I, and others, no longer feel so isolated in this choice and we can set down the heavy shame that often comes with this decision. It’s a decision that’s not for everyone and that not everyone can understand. But having a community of people who do get it means you can stop feeling like you have to explain yourself to others.

How this helps you as writer: After I sold my book, I had to take a break from one of my parents so I could have the emotional bandwidth to finish writing a memoir (extremely emotionally taxing work!). Not worrying about the next chaos bomb granted me emotional expansiveness. I turned in my draft and found I still wasn’t interested in speaking to my parent. This book gave me the answers for why that was.

I’ve found that it’s next to impossible to do the deep introspective work necessary of writing while also being in an emotionally destabilizing context. This book can help you find some stable ground, so you can stop ruminating and start writing.

Let me know in the comments if you’ve read any of these books or make your own book recs!!